Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
