3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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