Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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