they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Drunk is not a location!
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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