i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
