remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
