today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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