From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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