I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
