Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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