Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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