I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
