you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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