The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
