i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
