I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
