im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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