Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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