is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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