There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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