shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
