R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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