sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
