i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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