After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
This toilet bowl is my home.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
