I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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