Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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