the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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