There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
