I woke up to her vacumming the grass
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
