I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Randomize
