Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
He better not be in your backpack
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
