so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
