i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
