I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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