i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
