Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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