She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Randomize
