She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
