Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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