Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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