Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
