I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
