swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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