I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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