If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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