I puked a lego.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
