you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
The beers last night were like the tears from god
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
