Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
How external is "for external use only"?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
