the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
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